Hello Grief. I see you. I may pretend I don’t but I see you. I see you every damn day. I like to pretend I’m in control but if I’m honest I know you’ve been in control all year. And on most days, I pretty much hate you for it.
I see you ahead of me, leading me. Making sure my day starts with anxious thoughts. Making sure that I don’t sleep because you want me to worry about the future. When you’re ahead of me I see you so clearly. I see what it will be like to grieve someone else. I see your sharp edges. I see future events without my sister by my side. I see you pointing out things ahead just to remind me that I’m without.
I see you next to me. That’s where you are most often. When you’re next to me I feel your firm grip on my arm guiding me. These are the times where I have to ask you for everything and you aren’t very generous with what I want from you.
“What was I walking out of my office to do?” I carefully ask you. “Ehhhhh…” you say, “That task got lost in my dark eyes.”
“But I’m supposed to go to dinner with a friend tonight.” I plead with you. “Nope! You should really think about what your sister’s hand felt like in yours until you’re so sad you can’t socialize.”
“This is it! Today I’m in charge. I’m focusing on myself and taking care of me.” I say with confidence. “Are you sure? You can’t seem to do anything right this year. You let a lot of people down so taking charge doesn’t seem promising.”
This is you beside me. With your tight grip bringing forgetfulness, isolation and self doubt to my life.
The worst though? The worst is when I can’t see you but I know you are lingering behind me. Your breath on my neck gives me the chills as you whisper into my ear…
“You didn’t do enough? You didn’t save her? You didn’t protect her? If you were a better sister she would be alive. If you weren’t so self absorbed she would be alive. If you hadn’t moved out everything would have stayed the same. Did you not tell her how much she was loved? How did you not recognize the depression? Why didn’t you insist on a Sister day? Why did you let her isolate herself? Why did you keep your thoughts to yourself when you knew she was spiraling? What if you start to forget her? How are you going to keep her memory alive? What if you never feel her presence again? Will you always reach for your phone on your way home from work to call her? Will her death always overshadow her life in your mind?”
Hello Grief. You are my constant companion and you are an asshole.